Why Did I Have To Love You?
by fey-illusions
Summary: Why did I have to love you?" wonders Kaoru
1. Chapter 1

Yeah, this is an angsty piece but fear not, there shall be no character death. I'm sorry if the jounal entries get confusing, or if I accidentally call Kaoru Hikaru occasionally, I swapped who was saying what around a couple of times when writing this.

Disclaimer: I own neither Kaoru nor Hikaru, I don't like to talk about it, too painfull.

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Kaoru. Hikaru

Kaoru's Journal

It's funny how our act died when it ceased to be an act. Well, on my part at least. It was so incredibly easy to lie to them all, to pretend I was involved in an overly-dramatic, incestuous relationship with my twin. It was easy, and we were good at it. The cries of passion, the low moans, the tears and the blushes, it was all so simple. Then, being me after all, I went right on ahead and complicated it.

Oh yes it was easy to lie to our brainless fans, I don't think they ever noticed the difference. Lying to my friends was much more difficult and a wasted effort as they guessed anyway. But lying to Hikaru was hard, bordering on impossible and it hurt. It physically hurt me to have to lie to my brother. So I did everything I could (and when I say everything, I mean _everything_) to avoid the subject. He knew something was up, (how could he not? One time I snogged some random girl senseless when our conversation started to veer into dangerous territory…) but he had no idea what. I knew this, because I knew _him._ Or at least I thought I did. After all, I thought he knew _me._

The point of these journal entries, (for those that haven't already picked it up) is that I, Kaoru Hitachii, am in love with my twin brother. Hikaru. I know, sickening, isn't it?

Why did I have to love you?

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Just so you know, should you want me to put up another chapter you have to review. (Evil laughter)


	2. Chapter 2

Hikauro's Journal

I, Hikauro Hittachii, am in love with my twin brother. Karou. Yes, yes you did read that right. So, why am I putting this priceless bit of eternal blackmail in a vulnerable journal (that's journal buddy, not diary)?

Well:

1) It's a risk (sad isn't it, I just can't help myself. Usually Karou keeps me somewhat grounded but, well, he can't know about this.)

2) I'm fairly certain I've got it under enough booby traps and locks that even if it suddenly transforms into Houdini, it couldn't escape.

3) I'm hoping that by writing things down I can get them off my chest so that I won't spend every fricken minute of my waking, and quite often sleeping, hours thinking about Karou. Especially seeing as he often isn't wearing anything but his cute 'I want something, give it to me' face in my perverse little daydreams…

Oh my God, I can't even refer to them in a general sense without getting distracted and my temperature increasing. I'm so fucking sick and wrong, and yet, even though I know this, I can't get him out of my head OR into my pants! Oh shit, um, I didn't mean to write that last bit. Sorry. Wait, what the hell am I apologising to a journal for? Like it cares. I could fill this thing with pornographic daydreams and it wouldn't blink a non-existent eyelid! In fact, why am I even writing in this thing? It's not like it's going to help me or anything. You know what? Screw this.

Wow. No really, wow. I lasted a total of 45 seconds before I got bored and started writing again. Incestuous, and I can't entertain myself for over a minute. Please, kill me now. I pity whoever the unfortunate is that will become my wife. She'll have billions of dollars, good connections and a husband in love with his own brother. With a _really_ short attention span.

The sad thing is, even if I'm married with _n_ kids, I don't think I'll ever be able to love anyone else. Somebody up there must hate me, bet it's my Grandpa, he never did like that me and Kauro were so close. Bastard.

Why did I have to love you?

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Just so you know, should you want me to put up another chapter you have to review. Thanx.


	3. Chapter 3

Kaoru's Journal

Hol. Ey. Fuck.

I can't sleep. Why can't I sleep? Because Hikaru's asleep. Why should this affect my sleeping pattern? Because he's making the most erotic noises known to mankind, or at least, to me.

He's glistening with sweat, writhing and moaning into his pillow. He's breath is coming in short bursts… Shit. I'm getting all hot and sweaty myself. I have to get out of here.

Ok. I can think straight out here. 'Out here' is the garden, by the way. Now I'll have to sit out here till my brother finishes whatever the he's dreaming about, so I can go to sleep. It's a good thing I got out of there when I did, I almost jumped him. That would have taken a lot of explaining, though it's clearly his fault. How can I be expected to keep off him when he looks so damn sexy? Jerk.

I don't wanna even think about who he was dreaming about. Too painful. Maybe it was that girl with the- No, stop. I refuse to have those depressing thoughts. Damn you Hikaru! Right, if I sit out here much longer I'm going to become seriously depressed. I'll go see if the adorable, horny little bastard has finished.

Why did I have to love you?

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Please review! The best bits are coming up!


	4. Chapter 4

He he. Ok, I know it's been ages. But with school starting back up, and VERY few reviewers, there wasn't a heck of a lot of motivation... But anyway, excuses aside, here is chapter 4.

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Hikaru's Journal

Stupid, stupid raging hormones!

I was having the best, so therefore the worst, dream ever. Kaoru had pinned me against a door. One hand held me against the door while the other one locked it. He then pushed my bangs back from my face and whispered into my ear. "Hikaru, I love you." I whispered back to him "I know." And suddenly we were kissing. It started softly, gently, and that lasted all of about 5 seconds before we were really making-out. My hands were knotting into his hair, his hands were undoing buttons in various places. Then somehow we were transported into an enormous room, with an itty-bitty bed. Oh, and we were stark naked. This didn't phase us one bit, it was a dream after all, and the make-out session continued, without the nuisance of clothes. I was exploring his mouth with my tongue, he was doing wonderful, though physically impossible, things with his hands and other parts of his anatomy. Suddenly he was kissing down my neck, my chest, my stomach and just as he had reached my trail- I woke up.

The sound of a door opening pulled me out of my dream and I sat up in time to see Kaoru shutting behind him. Oops. He probably thinks I was dreaming about some random girl anyway. Oh, fuck. What if I called out his name? Shit, shit, shit! What if he left in disgust? Holy fucking crap! This is bad. This is really, cosmically, bad. I'll think of something to cover it up. I always do. But first thing is first, I need an ice-cold shower.

Ok, physical symptoms have been taken care of and Kaura's still not back. Maybe I _did_ moan his name of something and he's run away. What if he's really freaked out? Oh shit, please come back Kaura! For fucks sake, if he's gone, oh my god, I'm crying. Kaura! I need you! God, I need you so much. Holy shi-

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Cliff hanger, guess you will have to review to find out what happens...


	5. Chapter 5

Kaoru walked into the room the room to find Hikaru crying silently over some sort of book.

"Hikaru? Hikaru! What's wrong?" He demanded rushing across the room. Hikaru looked up and visibly sagged back against the chair in relief. Then, remembering the journal he hastily tried to shove it in a draw. Kaoru noted this, but was more concerned with why Hikaru was crying.

"Hikaru?" He whispered kneeling beside the chair Hikaru was sitting in. Hikaru made the mistake of looking down and had to look quickly away, biting his lip and fighting a blush. _He just has to give me that concerned look, doesn't he?_

"Oh, I was just reading a sad book." Hikaru said, striving for a casual tone of voice. _Thank God he's back, just don't kiss him in relief. Don't even think about kissing him in… STOP IT!_

"Are you OK?" Kaoru asked quietly, still giving Hikaru that damn cute look.

"I'm fine." Hikaru snapped, a little harsher than intended. _Don't look down at him, don't look down at him…_ Kaoru sat back on his heels and gave his brother a hard look.

"Are you blushing?" he asked incredulously. _He can't be blushing, what does it mean if he is? Do I even want to think about that?_

"NO! My face is just a little red from crying." Hikaru was quite proud of himself, there was no way Kaoru could pick holes in that. Kaoru's eyes narrowed factionally. _Maybe that's all it was. But I'll just make sure…_

"Why don't you go to bed Hikaru? We have double Maths first thing tomorrow. You're going to need every bit of energy to survive that." Even to his own ears, Kaoru knew that it sounded suss, but Hikaru, still a little out of it, never noticed.

"Shut up. I'm not _that_ bad." Hikaru replied.

"No, you really are. Go to bed." Kaoru grinned at him. Hikaru got flustered and went to bed without another word. Kaora stealthily opened the drawer and pulled out the book Hikaru had been reading. Except, hold up, it wasn't a book. It was a journal. Kaoru checked Hikaru still wasn't looking and started flipping pages till he came to the last entry. Hikaru heard the sound of pages being turned and froze, unable to think, unable to move. _Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…_

"Hikauro," Kaoru said softly "what is this?" _Shit._

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Yes, this is another cliff-hanger. Heh, yeah I hate them too. Just so you know, should you want me to put up another chapter you have to review. Thanx.


	6. Chapter 6

Kaoru watched as Hikaru, ever so slowly, turned his body to face him, though he kept his eyes to the floor.

'Hikaru, is this for real? This isn't some sort of joke is it? Hikaru do you, I mean, could you possibly, well…"

"Do I love you? No, of course not." Kaoru said in a hoarse voice, still unable to meet Hikaru's gaze. _Of course not?_ Kaoru felt a stab of pain. _But the journal, I thought…_

"Look, it's just hormones." Hikaru lied. "I'll get over it, can we just pretend this never happened?" _Please, please don't leave me. Please don't make me leave you._

"Yeah, of course. Just hormones, what else could it be?" Hikaru looked up quickly. _Did he just sound bitter? No, wishful thinking on my part._ Kaoru turned and walked into the bathroom, he need time to think.

He stared at his reflection in the mirror, to an untrained eye, it could have been Hikaru looking back at him. But Kaoru had spent most of his life examining his twin and he knew better. Other than the side part, there were much subtler differences. Hikaru's eyes were larger, softer, more fun, somehow, he had an easier set to his mouth, more prone to grinning than smiling. He had a bigger stature, Kaoru sighed. _He's beautiful. _He thought back to their most recent conversation. _Just hormones? Of course it is. Why the fuck would it be anything else? _He laughed softly, bitterly, to himself. _So close, yet so fucking far away._ He only realized when he tasted salt in his mouth that he was crying. The image in the mirror, the almost-Hikauro, cried with him.

_Why did I have to love you?_

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Aww, poor Kaoru. This is not the end! But to read the end, you, yes you, have to review. Glad we had this talk, see ya.


	7. Chapter 7

Hikaru stared up at the ceiling. _Why didn't I come up with a better excuse? Now things will probably be really awkward and I bet he hates me right now._ He probably would have lain there worrying if he hadn't heard the soft sound of crying coming from the bathroom. Hikaru felt guilt rip through him, Kaoru was crying, and it was his fault. Hikaru swung out of bed and stood up in one decisive motion. I'm probably the last person he wants to see, he realized, but that's not going to stop me from checking up on him. He opened the door slowly, glad that it wasn't locked, to the sight of Kaoru staring at the mirror. Hikaru focused his attention on the reflection, watched the tears falling, one after the other, till he could stand it no longer. He slowly wrapped his arms around Kaoru, giving him every chance to move away and fully expecting him to do so. Instead Kaoru turned and buried his head into Hikaru's shoulder. As Hikaru held him closer, an expression of pain ran across his face. _Who knew it could hurt so much to love?_ Kaoru's arms slipped around Hikaru's neck and he pressed his face into the crook of his neck. Hikaru gasped slightly than smiled bitterly at what the mirror showed him. _Well, aren't we a fine couple,_ he thought sarcastically.

Kaoru was sick of it. He was sick of being in love with his brother, his twin. He was sick of the lust that mingled with guilt. He was sick of the fucking pain. He raised his head from Hikaru's neck, still crying, and stared at him.

"Just hormones?" he chuckled, harshly. "Just fucking hormones?" Hikaru stared at him in surprise.

"You're, you're swearing." He said dumbly. Kaoru ignored him.

"I'll tell you about fucking hormones, Hikaru, Hormones, is wanting to jump you every fucking night. Hormones, is being unable to get you out of my head. Hormones, is wanting you every minute of every day. Hormones, is wanting to screw the act, to make it real. I understand fucking hormones. But here's the difference between your hormones and mine."

"Kaoru…" Hikaru said softly.

"The difference, _brother_," Kaoru continued, consequences be dammed. "is that I don't just want to screw you, and believe me, I want to do that too, I want to stare into your eyes for hours on end. I want to trace your features until their imprinted in my fingertips." Kaoru laughed again, a tad hysterical. "Get this, I fucking want to watch you sleep. And you know what? I have. And that's all I really needed until today, when, for just a moment, I thought the feeling might be mutual, only to find out, that while I'm in _love_, you're just fucking horny!" Kaoru finished dramatically, out of breath and crying. Hikaru stared at him for a few second while Kaoru glaring defiantly back, before kissing him.

"I love you," Hikaru whispered, "and right now, I don't care about anything else."

The End

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This has been my first story that is over one chapter long. Aren't you proud of me? Proud enough, per chance, to review? Please?


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